Children are not for me….

I’m at my aunt’s house right now and it’s excruciating. There are three kids here and one of them is having a tantrum. Just a little over an hour ago two of them started fighting with each other; body tackling and all. At fist it was really funny at fist but now I’m just really frustrated at the moment. I don’t know how to explain a child’s behaviour . The child has been crying for no apparent reason and it’s bothering me that I can’t figure out what’s bugging him. Anyways I hope this kid starts to behave. My ears hurts.

Family Drama. &Something like that

Right. My family is totally messed up. I’m so depressed because of them. They are the root of all things miserable in my life. Why do we need extended family for? I’ve no need for them and obviously they have no need for me either. I’m so sick of it. Sick of all the fights, the drama, the yelling and screaming, snobbing, and especially the insults. whatever, no one reads this stuff anyway.

I’ve been needing someone to lend me their ear. I want to just spill it all out, all my frustrations and all my sadness. But who would listen? Everybody’s got their own cross to bear. I don’t want to feel insecure, but at the same time there’s always that someone in my life that keeps bringing me down. Though it may be unintentional, I’ve come to hate him so much that to this day I have not let the feeling go. How could I bear such a grudge? I’ve held it ever since Friday. The hatred grows each passing moment and its as if its engulfing me because there’s nothing else I could think about. When I’m not preoccupied, I remember the things he said to me…all the insults that pierced me right through. My ego had been crushed and my pride at its all time low. What have I got going for me? I have no one that really wants to listen. Isn’t it normal for a human being to crave for attention? To want to have someone to rely on? It’s as if I’ve lost all that, I’ve got nothing to cling to but at the same time I want to do so many things. All these feelings hold me back. I wish I was cold hearted. I wish I didn’t feel a thing for anyone or anything so that I could get by life swiftly. If I get hurt I won’t feel it. If the sun is shining brightly up in the sky, and the sky is clear I wouldn’t care because I wouldn’t feel a thing. Emotions bring you down does it not?

I’ve stressed about this matter far too long, how come I can’t let it go? What does one do?

I hate him. I dislike my family. He thinks he’s so smart that he can step on people’s feelings without feeling guilty. Just because he’s smart doesn’t mean everyone around him is stupid. I hate him. I use this word with passion. I shouldn’t but in this case I would. Life is short and I’m making use of mine to fully hate. Call me hateful but that’s all I got going for me. I have to move on. I will ignore him and I will regard him as a stranger. I will not consider him a family. We may share the same genes, have the same blood running through our veins, but I will never call you family again. I told you once before that I can hold a grudge. I keep that promise and I will keep this grudge until the day I die.

-Story written by bananadotink

Yes its a story…sad no?

Life as an adult.

This is totally unrelated to any asian pop stuff I’ve been talking about since I started bloggin on WordPress. I just really had to get this out of my mind because it’s been eating me up inside.

I just recently turned 20 last year. Right now I’m feeling the burden of adulthood even though I’m still at that age where I CAN still have fun. Yet, all I seem to do is work and school (same routine that happens each and everday). Already I’m tired of it. I can’t imagine how it is for those who have family. I really can’t handle the thought. I’m enjoying my youth and I really wish that I could freeze time right at this moment. The thing I dread the most about adulthood is the fact that everytime you do something great, another problem arises. A problem that, at first would make you tremble with fear, sweat in agitation and scream in frustration and yet somehow you always come out of it one way or another… and then another problem comes. Its the same old routine that goes on until you finaly reached your limit; you get old, you get sick, or you get into an accident.

The thing is, you really can never get out of any problems unless you face them head on. My life now as I can see it a vast horizon with great opportunities. The problem is, I just don’t know what to do with it. I’m a clueless monkey. I’ve been thrown the ocean to be fed by the sharks. I’ve got nobody to help but myself. The reason I’m talking like this is

A. I’m living a mediocre life

B. The way I see it “I live to work” and not “I work to Live”

C. My dreams are so far out of reach that I cannot seem to get a grip of it.

D. My relationship with my parents is just terrible

E. The thing that I look forward to the most, at the end of each day is my Asian dramas, music, games…

I really want to stay young forever, but of course just as everything else in the world…it can’t be helped. As a person of my character, I don’t usually take initiative in such things such as being proactive. But I wish I could.

I hope that this year will have a lot of great things in store for me. There are times when I look at the Dark side of the bright side. As the song of Paramore goes “I’m pretty Optimistic for a pessimist” (or the other way around). I graduate in August which means I will have to start my adulthood then. I wish to travel before I jump start this “life”. I don’t want to end up with a mediocre job. I want to be someone great. I want people to appreciate my existence because as human we all seek that recognition. I truly believe that hard work is the key to everything. It is mind over matter and that’s what I’m going to try to achieve this year.

Adulthood looks really scary from where I am now. There’s so many things that I want to do before I’m faced with life paying for bills, raising children, and going to parent teacher conferences. I wish to have a fulfilled life before I get settled. I know this sounds so ludicrous because I just turned 20 but I can’t help but think it because it is inevitable. It’s going ot come. I might as well worry about it now rather that worry about it later on…when I’m 30 and having high blood pressures. ugh.

I close this blog with a goodbye. I wish everyone a good life and hopefully life as an adult is not the way as I fear it would be. Although from what I see from the people around me….I kind of get the feeling that I’m not gonna escape it.